What does being gifted really mean?

A few years ago a friend said to me, ‘you know your son is gifted, right?’.

Errr, no, I did not.

If you’re like me, you’d probably never even heard of it before so it’s perfectly reasonable to wonder what is it to be gifted?

What does gifted mean?

Is gifted just high IQ?

Well, no, nope, nuh-uh.

Gifted is being neuro-diverse or neurologically a-typical (which means your brain is wired differently to the majority of other people) and a part of that diversity is expressed as…

• learning quickly,
• knowing intuitively,
• being highly sensitive emotionally,
• having highly sensitive senses, like as in our five senses of touch, sight, hearing, taste and smell,
• being very energetic, intense and often not sleeping well,
• advanced reasoning and puzzle skills,
• advanced in reaching developmental milestones like crawling, walking and sitting early,
• a good memory, and
• being very curious!

…. which means most gifted folk score highly in IQ tests and giftedness is accepted as being in the top 10% of IQ and to be highly or profoundly gifted is to test in the 98^th percentile and higher.

Which is to say that your IQ tests higher than 98 percent of people your age.

So do you have to score highly on an IQ test to be gifted??

Errr, yes and no.

Giftedness results in scoring highly on an IQ test BUT taking a test is fallible and being gifted is more than about just having high IQ.

Maybe you have ADHD, dyslexia, anxiety about taking tests, you’re autistic, feeling sick, or you’re disengaged and your test results don’t reflect your true potential.

Yes you can be gifted and have learning challenges.

We’ve personally experienced one of our kids getting a 44 and 56 point difference in subtests between two different IQ tests just because they didn’t feel well that day. That’s a HUGE difference!

An IQ test can’t be fluked but it can underestimate a person’s intelligence for a whole bunch of reasons (including cultural background).

At the moment an IQ test is the most common way of identifying giftedness but there are ways of identifying giftedness without IQ tests, they are just less common and aren’t the current generally accepted way. Maybe that will change in the future.

So does that mean it’s all about IQ?

Nope. Giftedness goes hand in hand with…

• experiencing the world through emotion and empathy,
• being highly sensitive,
• having a keen sense of social justice,
• finding it difficult to fit in, and
• asynchronous development.

These things can be hard.

It can be difficult to fathom that other people experience the world differently to us.

We all assume that the way we see the world and feel the world and exist in the world is the same for everyone else.

But we know that a person’s experience of the world can be different due to their gender, race, culture or sexuality. We are also starting to understand that a person’s neuro diversity changes the way they experience the world, like if you have ADHD or are autistic.

Giftedness is neurodiversity.

So in the same way, gifted folk experience the world differently.

It’s important as a parent and teacher to understand this because then we can start to understand that this child or that gifted adult is having a quantifiably different lived experience to what is considered typical.

And that is what we need to accommodate in our parenting and teaching.

This is a great definition that is a bit of a mouthful but expands on what we’ve been talking about…

 Columbus Group definition of giftedness:

“Giftedness is asynchronous development in which advanced cognitive abilities and heightened intensity combine to create inner experiences and awareness that are qualitatively different from the norm. This asynchrony increases with higher intellectual capacity. The uniqueness of the gifted renders them particularly vulnerable and requires modifications in parenting, teaching, and counselling in order for them to develop optimally.”

So what does being gifted really mean?

It means you have a different lived experience of the world and the better we understand this, the more able we are to know ourselves, our kids, our students and provide those absolutely essential modifications.

I feel so drained right now.

I just finished interviewing a new psychologist for my kids and retelling the past few years has sapped me of all my energy. It’s so hard carrying the mental load of everyone’s appointments, challenges, struggles, wins and issues.

I’m at my mums eating ice-cream and drinking coffee, it’s not pretty.

I don’t know about you but I have clocked up enormous hours in speech therapist, occupational therapists, psychologists, and many other therapists offices since becoming a mum (not to mention the hours of driving!).

It’s the mental load and just when I think, maybe it’s nothing, let it go Soph, they are ok, no-one else thinks something is wrong, I remember all the times I was right, which was like, ALL the times and I can’t let it go, so off we trundle to go get answers. 🤦🏽‍♀️

I freaking hate being right. It’s exhausting.

With three very different kids going through a variety of stages and phases and challenges, there always seems to be a piece of the puzzle we still have to figure out.

So this is what I want you to know, from what I have learnt:

Research actually confirms that parents are the best identifier of their child’s giftedness. That’s because we have parental intuition and we know our kids.

It’s not only ok, but it is essential that you interview your therapists.

What does that look like? 🤷🏼‍♀️

It just means, go to the first appointment by yourself and talk to the therapist.

If you don’t walk out of there feeling like they get you, they get your kid, they get gifted and they have what it takes to help, then keep on walking. 🚶🏼‍♀️

On the way there, ironically, I was listening to Brene Brown interview Abbey Wambach about her book the Wolfpack (now on my wish list!).

They were talking about how women have been taught to follow the path, be grateful and meek.

Abbey was contesting this culture and talking about the bravery of stepping off the path, being grateful but asking for what you are worth and holding your space.

As parents of gifted kids, we are not on the the path we’re way off in the scrub with a machete making our own way and occasionally bump into another parent of a gifted kid in the odd clearing that we ungraciously fall, in a heap, into.

I am incredibly grateful for the wise and insightful professionals that I have in my kids lives that have worked with us as a team and helped guide our kids in overcoming so much. I am so grateful. 🙏🏼❤️

BUT. I also know that I wont settle for less. My kids deserve that and I will not engage someone who doesn’t respect and understand them and their quirks and sensitivities. If you don’t get gifted you are not for us.

And I’ve heard some horror stories about the ways in which, no doubt well meaning professionals, have misunderstood our gifted kids and made the situation worse.

I have gotten use to existing in the uncomfortable space of being that parent and I don’t care what other people think of me. Not any more.

I have seen my gut instincts proven right time and again and I have seen my kids grow, given the right support and nurturing.

So, know that it’s not you. It’s ok to want and demand more and shop around.

Thankfully, I was lucky today. It is hard to find these people.

You might ask yourself, how do I know, what do I do?

Ask for referrals from other parents of gifted kids.

Watch how the therapist reacts when you say your child is gifted.

Ask them if they have gifted clients. Yes, you can ask that!

Do they understand that our kids are super sensitive and harsh old school discipline styles don’t work.

Do they understand that your kid may know more than them on certain topics. How are they likely to react to that?

They don’t always know better than you. If it doesn’t feel right, then it’s not right.

Did you walk out feeling comforted? Understood?

It’s hard to think about the money and walk out knowing you’re going to have to spend more to find another therapist but the right therapist will help the situation far more quickly and cost you less in therapy in the long run.

I’ve got to go wipe the ice-cream off my face and get the kids from school but I’m now all sugared up and caffeinated so watch out world! Good luck!

One of my points from last week’s blog was that if you’re gifted then you’re 2E.

It’s a little controversial to look at giftedness that way; that’s not how it’s seen in the broader community. But then the broader community generally doesn’t realise that giftedness is not all straight A’s and academic awards, it’s often confused for just high achievement.

My point is that the challenges of giftedness are rarely adequately recognised or supported.

I usually refrain from all or nothing type statements because the world is so much more complex than that. Blanket statements like this can never cover all the nuances of giftedness; if you’ve seen one gifted kid, then you’ve seen one gifted kid.

They are all so different.

However, understanding the ‘levels’ of giftedness can help us understand our kids.

BUT, again, it’s important to say, you’ve gotta take everything with a grain of salt and ask yourself, how does this help me parent before you get bogged down in the details.

Although reading and other traits come up often in identifying a gifted child, and the lists that follow are very descriptive, not all gifted, highly or profoundly gifted kids read before school. So, don’t think, my child didn’t read therefore they aren’t moderately/highly/profoundly gifted.

And to be honest, I often look at lists and think, I don’t know!? Seriously, I was knee deep in toddlers and babies and sleep deprivation and trying to find something they would eat and the right coloured plate, I don’t remember the first time they showed interest in a book, is that just me?!

…and IQ tests… are not perfect.

They are a result of how your child performed on one day, constructed within norms of a white western culture. They are the best indication we have and can be extremely useful, but it is important that an experienced psychologist is able to interpret your child and the test scores and we see them for what they are.

Also, if you search the web, you’ll notice that there are different interpretations of IQ scores and levels of giftedness. Go search ‘genius’ and you’ll see what I mean.

So, I think of this information more of a guide and I ask myself, how is this useful to my parenting?

I do think that understanding ‘levels’ is useful and may help understand the degree of accommodation that your child may need in both parenting and education (or just life in general!).

It may help to understand that if your child is fitting into some of the profoundly gifted traits then they are going to need significant accommodation in education, however if they are fitting into the moderate level then a good, engaged school with a gifted program may be everything your child needs to thrive.

No level is better than another level, the world is so competitive, let’s not compete here.

The levels should be seen as descriptors. If your child is moderately gifted, don’t be tempted to think they are only level 1, moderately gifted.

Remember, all children are gifts!

Don’t take that away from them, they are very intelligent and bravo! you probably have a lot more choices of educational options than a child who is level 5, profoundly gifted.

Being profoundly gifted is a challenge, these kids (one in 25,000- 250,000), like all our kids, are treasures but life isn’t easy.

It’s not something I would wish on someone; it can be hard not fitting into a world made for the middle and profoundly gifted kids are one of the furthest extremes (the other extreme being severe/profound intellectual disability).

They are so different from their same aged peers. That’s hard. They need extra care to help them thrive and live a life that helps them shine. Dr Ruf says, frequently one parent must postpone their career to advocate for their level 5 child’s education.[i]

It’s not a competition, we just want them all to do their best.

This is all about helping you figure out how best to support your child, so don’t get too caught up in the numbers or details, take from it what is useful to you.

Ok, so let’s crack on, what are the ‘levels’ of giftedness?

The ‘levels’ were created by Dr Deborah Ruf and her research which led her to discovering five distinct levels of giftedness:

Levels of Giftedness[ii]

Level One — Ability Score (IQ) 117–129 — Moderately Gifted 120–124 to Gifted 125–129

Level Two — Ability Score (IQ) 125–135 — Highly Gifted

Level Three —Ability Score (IQ) 130–140 — Highly to Exceptionally Gifted

Level Four — Ability Score (IQ) — 135- 141+ — Exceptionally to Profoundly Gifted

Level Five —Ability Score (IQ) — 145+ — Exceptionally to Profoundly Gifted

That doesn’t tell us a whole lot, here are the levels in a lot more detail, taken from an online article by Dr Ruf. I’ve complied quite a long list from that article because I think it helps to have a number of descriptors to look at.

There is more information on the levels in this article by Dr Munson and this article, by Dr Ruf, also looks at the levels and how personality impacts educational needs.

Dr Ruf has also written books including 5 Levels of Gifted: School Issues and Educational Options.

Let me know if this was helpful in our Facebook Group.

Ok, so last week we talked a bit about what is gifted… and we agreed that question is a big can of worms!

One of the prevailing myths is that gifted kids do not need help, they succeed at everything and never run into trouble.

Well, that already sounds like rubbish, do you know ANYONE in life, regardless of how intelligent they are that has NO problems, EVER? 🤨🤔

I don’t.

The truth is that gifted kids have plenty of challenges and if you are a parent of a gifted kid, I know you feel that already!

Gifted kids experience the world differently, just as you might imagine other neurologically diverse (ADHD, autism, and Asperger’s) kids do.

Giftedness is a part of their identity and how they experience the world.

Also, many gifted kids are neurologically diverse in more than one way with giftedness often mistaken for, and experienced with, ADHD or autism.

Gifted kids who also have a learning challenge or are neurologically diverse in other ways are referred to as 2E or twice (or multi) exceptional.

It means that one exceptionality is their giftedness (exceptionally high potential) and the other exceptionality is seen as their learning/living challenge (exceptionally hard and atypical) such as dyslexia, dysgraphia, speech delays, ADHD, Autism… it can be many things.

This label, like most labels, provides a common language or understanding.

However, 🤔 what troubles me about it is:

1) giftedness is seen as the positive exceptionality (and as parents of gifted kids, we know all too well it is not all sunshine and lolly pops for our highly sensitive kids but there is no diagnosis/acknowledgment for the challenges of the emotional turmoil and sensory repercussions of ‘just being gifted‘)

2) it sees other exceptionalities as solely negative (when there are strengths we should also focus on as well and these aspects of their identity are as much a part of our kids as their giftedness. We often look at deficits first but what if we look at strengths?)

I think the truth is that if you’re gifted, you’re 2E. 😲 Yup.

All those gifted characteristics that make it hard to fit into the norm, that make anxiety, depression and existential crisis common, that make life that little bit more challenging make you 2E.

Being ‘just gifted’ isn’t a thing. You can’t be gifted and not be intense, highly sensitive, (insert all the characteristics we talked about last week in here!) because that’s what makes gifted, gifted.

But we’ve needed 2E to advocate for all of those kids that have been overshadowed by their ‘deficit’ such that the grown-ups around them have struggled to see the giftedness. 😓

We’ve needed 2E so that we have a language that says, I experience the world in an exceptional, gifted, way and yes, ADHD, dysgraphia, anxiety, speech challenges, autism is another part of my identity.

First, I discovered my kids were gifted and then much later I realised one of my children was 2E and then possibly both (we’re still figuring that out 😧 – giftedness and autism are feeling like two sides of the same coin right now– it’s a journey, right?! and a whole other blog!).

I’ve talked about my middle child’s severe speech impairment, which has most definitely been a challenge, and at first, I didn’t realise that this would be considered 2E, but 2E encompasses many and all learning/life challenges and disabilities.

However, the nuance is that my child has received a great gift from her speech challenge.

She had to learn how to talk and she had to practice a lot!

In doing that she developed a growth mindset and we’ve seen her apply this resilience and determination to learning all sorts of things, it’s now ingrained in her character and will serve her well in life. It’s a part of her identity.

Many other ‘deficits’ have strengths too. 💪

The world is also, slowly, shifting to understand and appreciate the strengths and what folk on the autism spectrum can uniquely offer with some forward-thinking companies seeking to work with and understand their autistic employees because they know how valuable they are. Their unique perspective of the world is valuable, rare and a huge strength.

It is important that 2E kids (and all gifted kids) are advocated for and understood.

They need the understanding to support their challenges (be that from giftedness or their learning/life challenge or disability) while getting the opportunities to thrive and shine (expanding the strengths from their giftedness and from their ‘deficit’) so that the world can benefit from the unique perspective of these would-be happy, exceptional, grown-ups.

Giftedness is complicated and when you throw other complications into the mix, life and parenting can be very challenging, but you are not alone.

There is an immense sense of inner calm that comes from understanding yourself and/or your children (because they are mirrors of us, maybe more about that next week?!).

Maybe you’d like to share your journey or thoughts in our Facebook Group.