[00:06:01] Being able to apply. That brilliance to something that later in life he’s really passionate about. And, and wants to pursue with all of that energy. We need our kids too, and all kids, not just gifted kids, but all kids need to be able to be in that position where they’re applying their brilliance to something that lights them up.

[00:06:29] Because it’s that intersection of our own  self-worth, meeting own strengths. And finding our passion. You know, is where people contribute amazing and wonderful things to the world. So a sec. Well, third, sorry. Words of wisdom. Is about life’s biggest lesson. And that is just getting back up. There were a number of episodes where we talked about perfectionism.

[00:07:06] And the first one was episode three with Samantha Perfectionism And Heavy Expectations where we talk about. Samantha’s journey of parenting, a number of gifted kids and perfectionism was a huge challenge in their family and particularly for one child.

[00:07:26] And this is what Samantha said.

[00:07:28] ” The worst moment is when you can’t help them, because they’re feeling so desperate. And disappointed in themselves. The perfectionism is so destructive, the depression, the anxiety. That goes along with this. That’s the thing that as parents, we need help with the most.”

[00:07:46]In episode 17 with a Amanda Drury again, Amanda just talks about dysfunctional perfectionism. She says it comes up a lot in twice exceptional children. That essentially that refusal to do any work because you’re too scared to fail.

[00:08:06] And this is at the heart of that very dangerous territory of seeing achievement, performance as a part of our identity. Who I am is someone who gets high marks and achieves things.

[00:08:23]The downside of that is when you’re too scared to fail, because what happens when you don’t achieve the thing? And the way that that impacts your identity, who am I, if I’m not someone who achieves.

[00:08:38]And I think that’s why talking about giftedness in terms of achievement is really dangerous.

[00:08:46]It’s not about who they are anymore. It’s about what they do.

[00:08:51]And that actually it came up in something I was reading recently.

[00:08:57] It talked about. For example, a child who’s really good at maths. We might be tempted to say that that child is gifted in maths. But that’s what they do. That’s not who they are. Who they are is a gifted child with a strength in maths. And so they get to be more than their maths. It’s not that all they can do in life is maths.

[00:09:24] It’s that they’re gifted. They have many strengths. And one of those big ones is maths. But that allows them some scope to do other things as well.

[00:09:34]And gives our  kids some scope to try things and fail. Because. If we’re not willing or able to try new things. With the possibility of failure. Then. You don’t really live. That’s not living. That’s just being in a scared box. And they’re missing out on so much. We miss out on so much when we’re too scared to try something because it might not work.

[00:10:10] This podcast may not have worked. I took a leap. It was a very uncomfortable leap. But.

[00:10:19] Well, all the messages I get tell me is it has worked. And so. I’m glad that I risk failing. To get that outcome. It was worth it.

[00:10:31]So the next words of wisdom.

[00:10:35]From our episodes. And this again came up in a couple of episodes. Is to be their biggest advocate.

[00:10:43]It came up. First of all, in episode five, Starting Over. When we talked to Tennille  who moved interstate  with her son to find the right school for him. And, and this is some of her story. That I wanted to share again.

[00:11:04] “He couldn’t handle more than five minutes with one kid and he was regulating his own social situation. So there was never any complaints. He was managing it. But he wasn’t getting what he needed and we just hadn’t seen the effects yet. And that’s what I knew. This is going to be a social, emotional problem.”

[00:11:23] ” When looking at a video of the prospective new school, he said to me, These guys get me. And I’m like, what? I didn’t even notice that he had known the difference. But he saw some of these other Dara  kids saying stuff and he understood them. And they  were saying stuff that he felt that I didn’t even know that he felt.”

[00:11:44]She said. “I had my car shipped across and we each had two suitcases. And that was all we  brought with us.

[00:11:54] We started fresh and it was the scariest thing I’ve ever done. It was massive. We have no family here. We’d never visited the school.”

[00:12:04] Now that’s an extreme example. Of being the biggest advocate. But by no means, is she the only person I know of who has moved great distances. To find that. That right educational environment for their child. And sometimes.

[00:12:22] That’s about having. The ability to do that. And sometimes like Tennille  it’s just about making it happen even though it was a really scary, massive thing to do.

[00:12:36]In episode seven. Talking Parenting and Megan’s Twice Exceptional Life. We talked to Meagan about her journey of parenting as well and a big part of her story was.

[00:12:50]  That realization about being her son’s biggest advocate. And she said. “If it’s not me, that’s going to support my child 100%. And understand them as well as I can then who else is going to.”

[00:13:04]It may seem an obvious thing, however, we can get so concerned about being that parent.

[00:13:11]And as parents we can feel as though. Shouldn’t the school know better. Shouldn’t the health professional, the people that we go to for help shouldn’t they know better than us because they’re the experts. And sometimes. They don’t. Sometimes our gut instinct is a better measure. And actually the research shows, this is academically proven that parents are a better measure of whether or not their child is gifted than schools.

[00:13:47] So we should trust our guts. And we should know that it’s okay to be that parent. Because we need to be their biggest advocate.

[00:13:57]Now. The fifth kind of words of wisdom. Is a big one.

[00:14:07]And it’s about acceptance and identity. It’s about understanding this is who they are and not what they do.

[00:14:17]In an episode 11 with Marc Smolowitz who’s the director behind the G Word Film.

[00:14:27]He says, “one of the kinds of beliefs of this movie is that giftedness is like an identity. And then it functions in very similar ways. You can either be empowered or it can be traumatic. And that there’s a sort of continuum that the child experiences around that journey with perceiving themselves as smart or  not right. “

[00:14:50]He says “when we first launched in 2016, we immediately out the gate. We’re hearing from people all over the world. I would say from Switzerland to Singapore, we were getting emails and these emails were often quite chilling because they would be from parents who are struggling.”

[00:15:05]The giftedness thing is tricky. As parents normally our introduction to giftedness is when something is not going right. And we’re looking for answers. And we come across this giftedness thing.

[00:15:25] But what we need to understand as a community is that like Marc  Smolowitz says. This is like an identity. It’s who they are. It’s not what they do. It’s fundamental to who they are. In episode four Gifted Kids Books with Gloria and Peter Van Donge. Gloria says “the underlying theme of the series is of acceptance.

[00:15:50] And it really is okay to be gifted. It’s okay. To be creative and innovative and enjoy the results. Or  successful negotiations. “

[00:16:01] And Peter says “it’s okay to be curious, to have a desire to learn.” And I think that’s an important thing to pause on. It’s okay. To be curious. It’s okay. To have a desire to learn because a lot of our kids. In this classroom of 30 other kids with a teacher who has not been adequately trained in giftedness and is probably already differentiating across six years. Can find it very challenging to manage a gifted child who is continually asking questions. Questioning information, maybe even correcting the teacher.

[00:16:46] Gifted kids can be really intense. I can attest to that. I can also attest to the incessant of them. And the relentlessness of them. And I can appreciate how challenging that would be.

[00:17:01] But the message that the kids get in that situation is that, sometimes, don’t ask questions, stop being curious. Stop learning that way because you’re not fitting in with what other people are doing. And that’s tragic because we’re telling kids to stop being who they are. And it’s not okay to be curious. Or  learn. Or have these deep interests or share all the knowledge that they’ve got.

[00:17:31] And so we need to do better. We need to understand that giftedness is very much a part of their identity.

[00:17:42]So number six, in our words of wisdom from our first 20 episodes, we’re halfway through, we’ve only got six more. Thank you for bearing with me.

[00:17:52]Is that empowerment comes from knowing yourself.

[00:17:58] And I really loved. A couple of quotes  from Nadja Cereghetti who is the host of the Unleash Monday podcast. If you’ve not checked it out yet, check it out. Nadja has a podcast for gifted adults and she has some wonderful guests, it’s well worth a listen.

[00:18:21]And. She said “first, I thought this is like a puzzle piece. But now I think it’s more like a red thread. It goes through all of my life. My life decisions and my CV.”

[00:18:38] She talks about the empowerment that came from knowing herself and discovering as an adult that she was gifted. And how the pieces. The puzzle pieces of their lifestyle to fit together, but then actually it felt like more of a thread going through her life and that visual. Really resonates with me.

[00:19:02] That thread going through our lives.

[00:19:06] And she said, “isn’t everybody like this? Doesn’t everybody see the world like this, because that’s the only experience I knew. And it turns out it’s not. I started reading these checklists and I read books and it was quite an emotional process. I was crying. It was this kind of relief of finally having an answer to so many unanswered questions, but also on frustration.

[00:19:32] Why didn’t anybody see this?”

[00:19:36] She said “after a little while embracing this, it was very empowering. I got this empowerment that I wished for my friends. I got it for myself. And it gives me more self-confidence in what. Who I am and what I do. And so I thought I need to share this.”

[00:19:58]So in that Nadja  talks about the sense of empowerment and confidence. That came from understanding that her brain worked differently to other people.

[00:20:12]And that meant certain things for her and the way that came out in her personality and her identity. So imagine the empowerment and the confidence that our kids can gain. From knowing that they’re not broken. It’s not that they’re not fitting in with other kids. It’s not that there’s something wrong with them. But actually just their brain works differently. And they’re going to have different strengths and different weaknesses. To those around us, as we all do.

[00:20:44]In episode six, with Selena who talks Is Montessori a Good Match For Giftedness? She says “it’s not about the label, but it’s about the information that report gives. And it helped me. So much to understand my son.”

[00:21:02] And so again, it’s that empowerment that comes from the understanding. And I think that that’s something that giving our children, the language. And parents the language. To understand giftedness can really bring and offer.

[00:21:20]Number seven in our words of  wisdom. Is the cost of masking or not being yourself is far too high.

[00:21:30]In episode 14, Understanding twice exceptional with Amanda Drury.

[00:21:37] We talk about masking and there are actually different types of masking. So masking is when you’re pretending to be someone else that you’re really not because pretending to be that other person helps you appear to be like other people. It helps you fit in.

[00:21:58]Fitting  in of course is not about belonging. It’s not about being yourself. In all your quirky gloriousness and being accepted. It’s about changing who you are, so that your difference doesn’t make other people uncomfortable. Or so that your difference, isn’t a challenge for others. It’s pretending to be something that you’re not.

[00:22:24] In episode 18, Looking at Giftedness and  Autism with Kate Donoghue.

[00:22:30]She says, “while  they concentrating so hard on fitting in. And understanding others and not making mistakes. And not being found out and not being ridiculed. There’s so much anxiety going on.

[00:22:46] It’s really hard for them to learn. And it’s really hard to have joy and freedom and expression. And to become that authentic version of themselves. So masking does have a high cost to people who mask.”

[00:23:00]And I think she says it really well, that that cost of masking of pretending to be something that you’re not.

[00:23:11]A lot of parents will talk about when the children get home more than not even home yet. You’re just getting in the car and you’re picking them up from school. Sometimes it doesn’t take long and. And you say one little thing and there’s a massive meltdown. And it’s not about the one little thing.

[00:23:29] It’s because they’ve been holding it together. All day. Masking pretending to be. Not themselves. And like Kate said,

[00:23:39]They’re concentrating on fitting in. They’re concentrating on understanding others and not making mistakes and not being found out and not being ridiculed. And in that quote, Kate is talking about. Autism and giftedness. But that very much applies to gifted kids as well as twice exceptional kids.

[00:24:00]Wanting to fit in and not being seen as, as different the way that giftedness is. Trying to understand your peers, who frankly talk another language and you don’t have a lot in common with trying not to make mistakes and standing out as being smarter than other people. Try not to be found out. As being different.

[00:24:24]And, and being ridiculed because of it.

[00:24:27]For gifted kids. It’s that anxiety. That concentration effort that goes into doing all those things. How could they possibly have the energy. The joy,  the freedom and expression to be themselves and learn. When they’re so busy, just getting through that social situation. So that is the highest cost.

[00:24:55] Of masking or not being yourself. It’s far too high.

[00:24:59]Number eight is all about finding others. So it’s essential to find your tribe to find your village, your community.

[00:25:11] That is what this entire podcast is all about is, is knowing that you’re not alone knowing that you’re not broken. Knowing that there are other people out there having a similar. But different, but similar life experience that you are right now, that validation that actually, it’s not just my parenting.

[00:25:30] That my kids won’t sleep. Or they’ve got really sensory issues are a bit crazy or or, or any number of situations, actually, other people are facing these challenges as well. And we can talk about them.

[00:25:46]And I talk about this in episode nine, which was the episode about our journey. Him. This feels very odd. Quoting myself.

[00:25:58] But I said  “parenting  gifted kids is really tough. And you can feel very alone and it’s easy to think that you’re slightly bonkers. You feel like there’s not necessarily a bunch of people out there. Who are going to understand what you’re going through. But there is”. And I still say that. There is.

[00:26:17] And, and within that community, we can get that validation and the understanding. And the initial just sense of relief that we can then build on to help us all do it better. And get through the days that little bit easier.

[00:26:35]   Number nine is finding the tools that work for you.

[00:26:40]And I say the tools that work for you. 

[00:26:43] I hope that from this podcast, you’re walking away with ideas that you can go home and, you know, try out in what your family situation. And I don’t just mean this podcast for any of our podcasts, because. I’m really hoping that there are tools for parents. Within these podcasts. But they’re going to be different for every parent and every family.

[00:27:09] We have talked about some different things along the way. In episode 10, we talked about the Growth Mindset. With Big Life Journal, Founder, Alexandra Eidens .

[00:27:19]And she talks about, of course growth mindset and being able to retrain the brain. So she says,  you know,” if you can influence their brain structure and how the brain is wired, you can literally set them up for success in life.” So there’s all sorts of tools there. If growth mindset is one of your challenges.

[00:27:42]In episode 18, Looking At Giftedness and  Autism with Kate Donahue. She talks about understanding what the gaps are. She says, “it’s not about the behaviors on the outside. It’s not about someone who looks autistic or doesn’t look autistic. It’s about what the gaps in development are. Or what their sensory system is doing, what they need to know to understand other people.

[00:28:07] And then supporting them to get the support that they need.” So it just comes back to at the end of the day when you think about your child? Where are the gaps that may need support? Where are their deficits or their weaknesses? What do they find hard? And then it’s about as a community, helping each other to find those tools and resources to arm, us as parents so that we are able to support them. To fill those gaps. Overcome those weaknesses. Find the work-around

[00:28:47]Number 10. So we’ve only got three left. Is using screens to connect. Episode 13 was all about screen time with Jocelyn brewer. Jocelyn Brewer has this philosophy about Digital Nutrition. Which is brilliant. So she likens screen time and using devices to nutrition. You’re going to have screen time that equates to broccoli, and you’re going to have screen time that equates to a Mars Bar.

[00:29:18] Obviously in life we’re wanting to eat more broccoli than Mars Bars. And so we’re wanting to have more screen time that’s has broccoli goodness, than has Mars Bar  cavities. And it’s a really great philosophy because I think there’s already a language around that in terms of nutrition and she’s tapped into that and it makes it really accessible.

[00:29:45]But this was actually one of the biggest aha moments for me. Over this last series.

[00:29:55] And. You know, like any family we’ve been through various trials. And and journey with screen time and devices. And we’ve tried something, it hasn’t worked. We’ve tried something else. Yeah. Like we all do.

[00:30:12]And, and this was Jocelyn’s quote.

[00:30:17] “You don’t have to be a gamer. And I guess this is what I encourage parents to really look beyond. We wouldn’t say, oh, I’m not much of a Booker. If you could just go over there and do your booking and like, just, don’t ask me to want to know anything about what you’re doing with your books. We wouldn’t have that same kind of attitude.

[00:30:37] And so this is what I mean about curiosity.”

[00:30:41] So what Jocelyn is saying is, and I’m like always like, Oh My God. That’s totally me because I’m not a gamer. I’m really not interested in computer  games. I never have been. And in all honesty, it pains me to have to play them with my children. And I just have not been interested. And she totally called me out on it because I loved books.

[00:31:07] And my kids love books too. And I will sit and read books with my kids. And talk about books and buy lots of books. But when it comes to the video game thing, I’m like, it’s just not me. My husband can deal with that. Whatever.  And she totally called me on it because I wouldn’t say all, I’m not much of a Booker go over there and do your book thing. And don’t ask me to want to know anything about it because the truth is.

[00:31:34] Like it or not. Computer games are a big part of our kids’ lives, or if your kids are like mine. They all love Minecraft and various other computer games. And some of those computer games are like broccoli. There’s nothing wrong with them. There’s actually a lot. Like Minecraft is actually an, uh, an amazing educational tool.

[00:31:57] And so there’s, there’s really no reason. Why I shouldn’t be interested in what my kids are spending time doing. What they’re interested in doing. What’s giving them an opportunity to learn and explore and be curious. And that’s kind of on me as a parent, too get over myself and sit down and learn. With them. Or give them the opportunity to teach me. Okay. Tell me about what you’re doing and how this works. And so that has created a shift for me. In my thinking around screen times and using screens and different devices actually as a way to connect with my kids and showing an interest in what they’re doing. And.

[00:32:45] And demonstrating to them that I think whatever they’re interested is in is important. And I want to know about it. And I always come back to that. That quote, and I can’t remember who said it, but.

[00:32:58]I read it somewhere. And it was, if you want them to talk about the big things later on. You need to talk to them about the small things now.

[00:33:10] And if computer games, screens devices are a part of our lives. Then I need to be a responsible parents and engage with that part of their lives. So that was personally a big moment. And the fact that she used books as the example, I just cut me to shreds. So it got totally called on that one. Thank you Jocelyn.

[00:33:35]So yeah, so there has been a shift in our family when it comes to screens and I even made a commitment to play World Of Warcraft with a friend, which we haven’t done yet, but I said I would I would, I’m leaving that in her basket to pursue me on But I will. I. We’ll totally do that. She can teach me. Okay.

[00:33:57]So number 11 second, last one. Is. Understanding kids are little people and not adults. And again, this comes from. The episode 13 with Jocelyn Brewer  and she also talks about you know how to engage and communicate with our kids being, not just a cyber psychologist by a psychologist. So it was a really rich episode.

[00:34:23] And she uses this a kind of metaphor of, of lighting the match and this is what she said. “What , we noticed with young people, especially around relationships or thinking they know everything is that they’re walking through this big. Dark. I usually call it a warehouse of their life with a match.

[00:34:43] What  they can see is only, as far as that match gives them light  and they think, oh wow. I can see everything.

[00:34:50] Whereas the process of brain development and the experiences of life start throwing on bigger and better light bulbs.” So as parents, we’ve kind of. You know, we’re in this warehouse with them, but we’ve got this gigantic spotlight because we have all this life experience. And we’ve learned a lot of lessons and we can look at our kids sometimes making mistakes because we have that context, but they’ve just got this little match. So they can’t see the big picture.

[00:35:21] And I think it was really just about appreciating that difference in perspective. Having that compassionate empathy for where our kids are. And she also had another quote. And I don’t have the exact quote with me, but. She talks about acknowledging. You know, we can get frustrated with our kids, especially in the teenage years.

[00:35:44] Because we expect them to be reasonable and see the world. Like we see it. But like on the 40 something grownup. And my children are like children, or if they’re a teenager. They’re not going to look at the world the same way that I’m going to look at it. And it’s just about taking that step back as a parent and.

[00:36:04] Acknowledging. The very different perspectives. The little match versus the floodlight. And just approaching with that different sense of empathy, but maybe even using that metaphor with our teenagers. As these are my thoughts and opinions on this. And that’s based on all of my life experience and I appreciate your where you’re at.

[00:36:29] But.

[00:36:31] We’re both coming at this from different points of view.

[00:36:34]So, okay. Our 12th and final words of wisdom from the first 20 episodes is. To consider their experience of life. And this was a huge one for me as well. From episode 15. How Do I Talk to My Gifted Child About Sex With Dr. Matt Zakreski? If you have not listened to that episode. Look, it is a bit long.

[00:37:00] But that’s just because it was so good. There’s so much in that I got so much out of that. In terms of not just,  how do we talk to our gifted kids about sex education? But why actually we need to consider that that conversation or experience might be different because they gifted. Right.

[00:37:21] And, and what. What I sort of, um,

[00:37:26] I learnt what I really, really appreciated since this episode.  Is.

[00:37:34] How they heightened sensory experience in their heightened, emotional experience of life. Is going to impact their relationships and puberty. So, first of all,  Dr. Matt says. “We’re going to change. We’re going to start wearing deodorant or we start having to shave, maybe wearing makeup, wearing a bra.

[00:37:57] Does the bra have an underwire, right? These are all sensory things that we have to consider.” So if we’ve got kids like mine, who don’t like creams, Wearing certain things. That sensory experience smells you know of life. Well, that’s, we need to factor that in.

[00:38:19] And then you’ve got the emotional sensitivity and Dr. Matt says.

[00:38:24] “Then when we get to the emotional overexcitabilities, all the, those emotions are going to be felt to like 14 on a one to 10 scale. Which means when our kids crush, they go into crush hard. And they might get a little obsessive. They might have their hearts broken, and that is something we need to anticipate as adults.”

[00:38:45] So it’s acknowledging that.

[00:38:48] Yeah, those big emotions that they, and we know that they have.

[00:38:52]You know, when they go through those crushes, the first love relationships in those teenage years or before. That. Yeah, they could, they could. Go really hard. And. Get their hearts broken really hard and we need to be prepared. I think as parents. For right. When that happens, what am I going to do?

[00:39:16] So listen to that episode. If you’re like, what do I do? It was an awesome episode. I really appreciated talking about that stuff with Dr. Matt and just finally.  This was a great quote in terms of why we need to start. Having those sex education. Conversations with our kids age appropriately. From an early age and, and ongoing.

[00:39:40] He says “most schools, if they have sex ed at all is in eighth grade. Right before they go to high school. And at that point, you’re probably at least two years into puberty. Maybe three. So you can imagine. Let’s use driving the car, you start driving the car and then three years later, I’m going to teach you how to do it.”

[00:40:01] And that was a quote from Dr. Matt. I think that puts everything into perspective into. Why we need to be having this ongoing age appropriate conversation throughout kind of childhood. And he talks about how we do that and the kinds of things that are appropriate to know at different ages. So that episode is just totally gold and I highly recommend giving it a listen, if you haven’t already.

[00:40:25] So that was my 12 words of wisdom. From the first 20 episodes.

[00:40:31]Very quickly. Number one, finding the right education for your child. Number two. Stop and wonder at the brilliance of our kids. Number three life’s biggest lesson. Is getting back up. Number four, be their biggest advocate. Number five acceptance and identity. Giftedness is an identity. Number six empowerment that comes from knowing yourself.

[00:40:59] Number seven, the cost of masking or not being yourself is too high. Number eight, finding your community is vital. Number nine, finding the tools that work for you, your family and your child. Number 10 using screens to connect. Number 11. Understanding kids are little people and not adults. Number 12.

[00:41:26] Consider their experience of life. They’re different reality. As influenced by the way, their senses and emotions work. I hope that you enjoyed that little recap on my biggest takeaways from the first 20 episodes. I’m really looking forward to. This coming series. We’ve got some wonderful guests lined up.

[00:41:52] And I’m really looking forward to, to learning more. Words of wisdom and parenting hacks. From the guests that we’ve got coming up in this series. So I hope to talk to you again next week. Thanks very much for listening and I’ll talk to you again soon. Bye.